I'm a Heartbreaker

I'm also engaged!! This past Saturday Chris proposed with the help of some of our friends.  We had a great weekend of celebrating and loving life and it was back to reality Monday morning.

Yesterday we had a professional development day so I didn't see my kids.  I also hadn't told them before that I was even dating someone so imagine their shock when I tell them I'm engaged.  Most cheered and clapped, many were super excited but not one.  I have a group of boys who have a crush and would spend every waking hour with me if I let them.  One of them in particular asks me everyday to have lunch with him.  Today was also his birthday.  He came into class, I told him happy birthday and asked if he was doing anything fun. I then made my big announcement, when others were cheering and clapping, he sat with his arms folded and a scowl on his face.  I knew he wouldn't be delighted but I didn't think he would actually be mad.  As he was leaving I told him happy birthday again and he said it is the worst birthday he had ever had.  He didn't even come back to have lunch with me. He then went to another class where the teacher noticed he was unhappy.  When she asked him what was going on he said "Did you hear about Ms. DeForest?"  Wow, I didn't know I could have that affect on him.  I'm hoping tomorrow he is back to himself, I actually enjoy my lunch partner.  I do find it comical though that he thought there was ever a chance.  Sweet boy,  Jr. High is such an awkward age.

Last week I was having a lot of trouble with a student who can be sassy but isn't generally rude.  She had a huge attitude one day so I asked her mom to come in.  She left pretty mad at me but the next day apologized for her behavior.  Today when I showed up to school she handed me an envelope with a note inside.  It said:

Dear Ms. DeForest
I'm sorry for being so mean and rude to you.  I promise to be on my best behavior in clas.  I hop you have the heart to forgive me.

I almost forgot to tell you I made some flashcards for my vocabulary words.  I also need some help on my homework.  It's the last questions on the homework.

Love, Student's Name

P.S: Some people are pretty some people are not, but I think your pretty.

Glad to see we have made a turn around...the true test will be tomorrow when I actually have her in class.  She did come up to me later though to show me the flashcards she had made.  Too bad we already took the test on those words and she won't see that material again until her state test in 8th grade...

More student stories

One of my 8^th grade students is a remarkable soccer player.  He might drop out of school to play soccer in Mexico but he has assured me he will continue to get an education.  I pray that really is true.  We were talking about where he practiced and how often.  He told me he practices in Long Beach which I assumed was then a long drive.  He replied “No, Miss, I live in Watts.”  I chuckled thinking to myself “ I know you live in Watts…I know all about this city I work in.”

Another of my 6^th grade students who is in after school tutoring suddenly started sobbing.  I didn’t know what was wrong and it happened so suddenly I was confused.  I let her go outside and write down what was upsetting her.  I got this note back:

“I was going to tell you that everyday when I get after school I have to ride the bus but first I call my mom and tell her that I got on the bus and I’m almost getting there were I always have to stop on and she will be right there waiting for me and when I get off she will be right there waiting for me but today I was calling her when I got out of class but she won’t answer me and I don’t know where to get out.”

I was able to get her to calm down a little and she was able to tell me that it takes her over an hour to get home on the bus.  It is often dark when she gets home and it is very scary for her. She has to do this alone and it is an incredibly lonely and scary thing for her.  My heart broke for her, I wanted to take her home myself but it’s against the law.  It killed me to know she does this almost daily and there isn’t an option for her. I am frustrated almost daily realizing the difficulties my students face that I never could have fathomed at 11 yrs old.

And lastly, we are focusing on “no bullying” the next few weeks.  A student told our principal that he was considering committing suicide from the effects of being bullied on school grounds.  I hate how cruel kids can be on top of the struggles of living in an inner-city community. This past Friday a student at a nearby high school got into a fight with her boyfriend.  He attempted to strangle her and then stabbed her to death.  My students all heard about it and addressing it was something I was unsure of.  How do I walk through the difficult things with my kids while trying be transparent and honest.  It was sticky but we did it.  I hate this life that they know, I want to just shove it all away, this community so needs Jesus, nothing else can save them from the horrors they see and hear about daily.

Frustrated....

It’s been a while…

I haven’t known how to write this well since its been a pretty difficult past few weeks.  I wish I could say everything is smooth sailing but unfortunately it seems every time I turn around there is another issue with politics at my school. A teacher quit last Friday and emailed her letter of resignation to the staff.  Many of the issues she brought up are definitely true but there is a struggle between fighting the injustice that’s happening to the teachers and knowing I need a job.  It’s the most frustrating position I have ever been in.  I’m so tired of not being able to focus solely on the kids because of the “out to get you” attitude I feel daily.  So, in two weeks we have had one teacher forced out and another quit.  

Last Friday I went home early because I felt like I was going to pass out.  I couldn’t walk through the hallways of school without stopping to keep myself from passing out.  It was scary but I didn’t feel like I could leave my class with a sub since we have benchmarks (our charter organization’s form of a standardized test to check progress) this week.  Numerous other teachers commented it is ridiculous that I would be that sick and still feel the pressure to be here.  We have been told numerous times that if we do not perform well our job could be on the line.  This is one of the most caustic situations I have ever been in.  I love my students, I thrive when I am in the classroom with them but as soon as I leave my 4 walls I start to panic.

I’ve lost 7 pounds since starting working 8 weeks ago…I now regularly wake up at about 3:45 with a horrible stomach ache from feeling anxious about coming to work. This wasn’t something I wanted to blog about since it’s not something I want to remember but it consumes my life at this point.

I’m desperately trying to find the balance between working myself to death and knowing boundaries while the fear of losing my job is constantly in my head.

Today we had a staff meeting where things were made a little bit better.  I feel a little more content with the job situation but it definitely feels like its going to be a long difficult road this year.