Frustrated....

It’s been a while…

I haven’t known how to write this well since its been a pretty difficult past few weeks.  I wish I could say everything is smooth sailing but unfortunately it seems every time I turn around there is another issue with politics at my school. A teacher quit last Friday and emailed her letter of resignation to the staff.  Many of the issues she brought up are definitely true but there is a struggle between fighting the injustice that’s happening to the teachers and knowing I need a job.  It’s the most frustrating position I have ever been in.  I’m so tired of not being able to focus solely on the kids because of the “out to get you” attitude I feel daily.  So, in two weeks we have had one teacher forced out and another quit.  

Last Friday I went home early because I felt like I was going to pass out.  I couldn’t walk through the hallways of school without stopping to keep myself from passing out.  It was scary but I didn’t feel like I could leave my class with a sub since we have benchmarks (our charter organization’s form of a standardized test to check progress) this week.  Numerous other teachers commented it is ridiculous that I would be that sick and still feel the pressure to be here.  We have been told numerous times that if we do not perform well our job could be on the line.  This is one of the most caustic situations I have ever been in.  I love my students, I thrive when I am in the classroom with them but as soon as I leave my 4 walls I start to panic.

I’ve lost 7 pounds since starting working 8 weeks ago…I now regularly wake up at about 3:45 with a horrible stomach ache from feeling anxious about coming to work. This wasn’t something I wanted to blog about since it’s not something I want to remember but it consumes my life at this point.

I’m desperately trying to find the balance between working myself to death and knowing boundaries while the fear of losing my job is constantly in my head.

Today we had a staff meeting where things were made a little bit better.  I feel a little more content with the job situation but it definitely feels like its going to be a long difficult road this year.