In the middle of this mess Chris left for Rwanda, he was only leaving for 17 days but I cried at even the mention of him leaving. He is my rock, he hold me when I'm hurting, speaks truth into a dark situation and is there to comfort me always. I didn't knwo how to do it without him. We went to community dinners with our close friends and then said goodbye. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. On the way home I was listening to a Christian radio station and numerous songs came on about God coming to our rescue. Nicole C. Mullin's song "When I call on Jesus" came on and I almost pulled over I was crying so hard
When I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call
I needed just that, I needed Jesus to radically intervene and save me from the mess of lies, manipulation and fear that was strangling me. I woke up the next morning and began reading through Psalms. It's amazing how deeply the words spoke to me, it was as if they written specifically for me.
Psalms 5 says
Listen to my words, LORD,
consider my lament.
2 Hear my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
3 In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait expectantly.
4 For you are not a God who is pleased with wickedness;
with you, evil people are not welcome.
5 The arrogant cannot stand
in your presence.
You hate all who do wrong;
6 you destroy those who tell lies.
The bloodthirsty and deceitful
you, LORD, detest.
7 But I, by your great love,
can come into your house;
in reverence I bow down
toward your holy temple.
8 Lead me, LORD, in your righteousness
because of my enemies—
make your way straight before me.
9 Not a word from their mouth can be trusted;
their heart is filled with malice.
Their throat is an open grave;
with their tongues they tell lies.
10 Declare them guilty, O God!
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
12 Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
And Psalm 7
Arise, LORD, in your anger;
rise up against the rage of my enemies.
Awake, my God; decree justice.
7 Let the assembled peoples gather around you,
while you sit enthroned over them on high.
8 Let the LORD judge the peoples.
Vindicate me, LORD, according to my righteousness,
according to my integrity, O Most High.
9 Bring to an end the violence of the wicked
and make the righteous secure—
you, the righteous God
who probes minds and hearts.
I hadn't ever prayed for my adversary to be punished or destroyed until I read those words. God hates all who do wrong, he hates oppressors, he hates liars, those who are deceitful and arrogant. So, the morning of October 17th I prayed that justice would come, that he would be found in his lies and his oppression of others.
When we pulled into school I immediately knew something was up when our director's car was there. I knew she was just as much afraid of him and since she had quit, he was even more angry with her. The teachers were called into an emergency meeting where we were told our principal, numerous of his family members, and another staff member were put on emergency leave pending multiple investigations. It was such an amazing, immediate answer to prayer. It was a real validation that God hears our prayers, knows our hearts and is saddened when people are oppressed.
I didn't realize it then but that was only the beginning of a very long saga which is still continuing on....more on that soon, but I'm tired, its 8:04, almost my bed time and I need sleep!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
This Is Where I Have Been
I quit blogging because I just didn't know what to say or how to say it well. Almost anything and everything that could has fallen apart. I had alluded to it previously but now I will openly say it, I really struggled with my principal, no that's to tame, I hated my principal. He mistreated his employees, threatened our jobs daily, back stabbed, gossiped and created a culture that was extremely negative.
Within the first few weeks he had called me into his office to question my religion and faith. He made an inappropriate comment about me being Mormon and then realized he could get in a lot of trouble for it. I had to sit down and tell him where I went to church, how often, why I chose this faith etc...on and on. I was angry, frustrated and realized then this would be a long year with him in the lead.
More and more continued to come out, he arranged a "social gathering" outside of school at a bar. Everyone was peer-pressured into drinking and when I did not I was made fun of for it. He and others were completely drunk and the worst of it all was that it was paid for with our money in our "celebration fund." We were also told at this gathering that those who did not show up were not on his good list. I thought it would put me on his good side but time after tiem I found myself in his office justifying myself. I began to live in constant fear of loosing my job. I have lost 12 pounds since starting school, almost daily I was waking up at 3 am with such bad anxiety I couldn't go back to sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast or I would through it up due to anxiety about going to work. It was horrible, and the worst of it was there was no one to go to for help.
During this time he also began pushing teachers to quit. He would never fire anyone but he would push hard enough that they would give up and quit or move on to another job. We had one teacher quit a week for 5 weeks and we only have a teaching staff of 17. Then, about 5 weeks ago our director of instruction (similar to a vice principal) said she was quitting as well. Most of us felt scared and unsure of the future of our school and job. He had commented numerous times that if our students didn't perform well we would be gone by Christmas.
Through it I tried to stay positive, tried to keep my head up and remember I was there for my kids. I went into this job thinking my kids would be the hardest part, I never realized how horrible a bad administrator could make it.
I felt like I was continuously praying for comfort, strength, my job...it was a hugely humbling time to know that I had no security except in the Lord. I learned the comfort of reading my Bible every morning before going to work, spending my shower time praying and even the comfort of weeping to God knowing he was the only one who could fix this situation. I learned to trust that even when others may be oppressive his love is quick and near, its bold and constant. It was still a struggle daily to know that this was the place God had called me and this was the place I was called to minister. I began looking for new jobs, talking with friends, co-workers about leaving the school but always felt like I had to stick it out for my kids. So I did, day in an day out the abuse, manipulation and fear only increased. I began to see how much of a spiritual battle it was as well and felt caught in a spiritual battle that I was helpless to do anything about
Within the first few weeks he had called me into his office to question my religion and faith. He made an inappropriate comment about me being Mormon and then realized he could get in a lot of trouble for it. I had to sit down and tell him where I went to church, how often, why I chose this faith etc...on and on. I was angry, frustrated and realized then this would be a long year with him in the lead.
More and more continued to come out, he arranged a "social gathering" outside of school at a bar. Everyone was peer-pressured into drinking and when I did not I was made fun of for it. He and others were completely drunk and the worst of it all was that it was paid for with our money in our "celebration fund." We were also told at this gathering that those who did not show up were not on his good list. I thought it would put me on his good side but time after tiem I found myself in his office justifying myself. I began to live in constant fear of loosing my job. I have lost 12 pounds since starting school, almost daily I was waking up at 3 am with such bad anxiety I couldn't go back to sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast or I would through it up due to anxiety about going to work. It was horrible, and the worst of it was there was no one to go to for help.
During this time he also began pushing teachers to quit. He would never fire anyone but he would push hard enough that they would give up and quit or move on to another job. We had one teacher quit a week for 5 weeks and we only have a teaching staff of 17. Then, about 5 weeks ago our director of instruction (similar to a vice principal) said she was quitting as well. Most of us felt scared and unsure of the future of our school and job. He had commented numerous times that if our students didn't perform well we would be gone by Christmas.
Through it I tried to stay positive, tried to keep my head up and remember I was there for my kids. I went into this job thinking my kids would be the hardest part, I never realized how horrible a bad administrator could make it.
I felt like I was continuously praying for comfort, strength, my job...it was a hugely humbling time to know that I had no security except in the Lord. I learned the comfort of reading my Bible every morning before going to work, spending my shower time praying and even the comfort of weeping to God knowing he was the only one who could fix this situation. I learned to trust that even when others may be oppressive his love is quick and near, its bold and constant. It was still a struggle daily to know that this was the place God had called me and this was the place I was called to minister. I began looking for new jobs, talking with friends, co-workers about leaving the school but always felt like I had to stick it out for my kids. So I did, day in an day out the abuse, manipulation and fear only increased. I began to see how much of a spiritual battle it was as well and felt caught in a spiritual battle that I was helpless to do anything about
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