I quit blogging because I just didn't know what to say or how to say it well. Almost anything and everything that could has fallen apart. I had alluded to it previously but now I will openly say it, I really struggled with my principal, no that's to tame, I hated my principal. He mistreated his employees, threatened our jobs daily, back stabbed, gossiped and created a culture that was extremely negative.
Within the first few weeks he had called me into his office to question my religion and faith. He made an inappropriate comment about me being Mormon and then realized he could get in a lot of trouble for it. I had to sit down and tell him where I went to church, how often, why I chose this faith etc...on and on. I was angry, frustrated and realized then this would be a long year with him in the lead.
More and more continued to come out, he arranged a "social gathering" outside of school at a bar. Everyone was peer-pressured into drinking and when I did not I was made fun of for it. He and others were completely drunk and the worst of it all was that it was paid for with our money in our "celebration fund." We were also told at this gathering that those who did not show up were not on his good list. I thought it would put me on his good side but time after tiem I found myself in his office justifying myself. I began to live in constant fear of loosing my job. I have lost 12 pounds since starting school, almost daily I was waking up at 3 am with such bad anxiety I couldn't go back to sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast or I would through it up due to anxiety about going to work. It was horrible, and the worst of it was there was no one to go to for help.
During this time he also began pushing teachers to quit. He would never fire anyone but he would push hard enough that they would give up and quit or move on to another job. We had one teacher quit a week for 5 weeks and we only have a teaching staff of 17. Then, about 5 weeks ago our director of instruction (similar to a vice principal) said she was quitting as well. Most of us felt scared and unsure of the future of our school and job. He had commented numerous times that if our students didn't perform well we would be gone by Christmas.
Through it I tried to stay positive, tried to keep my head up and remember I was there for my kids. I went into this job thinking my kids would be the hardest part, I never realized how horrible a bad administrator could make it.
I felt like I was continuously praying for comfort, strength, my job...it was a hugely humbling time to know that I had no security except in the Lord. I learned the comfort of reading my Bible every morning before going to work, spending my shower time praying and even the comfort of weeping to God knowing he was the only one who could fix this situation. I learned to trust that even when others may be oppressive his love is quick and near, its bold and constant. It was still a struggle daily to know that this was the place God had called me and this was the place I was called to minister. I began looking for new jobs, talking with friends, co-workers about leaving the school but always felt like I had to stick it out for my kids. So I did, day in an day out the abuse, manipulation and fear only increased. I began to see how much of a spiritual battle it was as well and felt caught in a spiritual battle that I was helpless to do anything about
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