Consider it Pure Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

James 1: 2-12

This week has been hard to say the least. Tonight I came home from work and Chris and I talked through how hard it is for me to separate my emotion of my job from the rest of my life. While it's exhausting, depleting and frustrating I do consider it pure joy that I get to invest in these kids lives. 

In reflecting on last year, it's such a huge joy to get to focus on my students. Last year it wasn't even an option. I was constantly consumed with fears and anxiety of being fired, going through the depression of having an oppressive boss and difficult co-worker. I couldn't invest in my students because of the rest of the crap I had to go through.

This year I get the privilege of walking the hard road with my students. I get to be concerned with their depression, anger, and behavior issues. I get to privately tutor my students who are reading at a Pre-K level because the energy wasted in my anxiety is now freed up. I consider it pure joy that I am here, in this difficult, frustrating, emotionally draining classroom because in the suffering with them, we get to persevere, we get to mature and we get to go to God for wisdom. 

Thank you Jesus that you have entrusted these kids to me. Let my heart always break for their suffering, let me always be their advocate and protector, break my heart for what breaks yours. Let me have the energy to keep up with the emotion so I can love them the way only You do. Thank you Jesus that you put me here and that you promise you will walk this road with me.

Exhaustion has hit

This past week has been hard. My body reacts to the stress, exhaustion and frustration of the day to day rigor. Last Thursday I went home sick, I was dizzy, nauseous and had a raging headache. My wonderful husband drove all the way to my school to pick me up. As soon as I left school I felt so much better. By that evening the anxiety of going back to work on Friday was making me sick again. I finally decided to listen and just take some time to rest.

Coming into work today I was feeling similar to last week but reality is I only get 10 sick days so I had to go. Part of why I dreaded today was I knew I had to have a meeting with an irate mother and the principal. My student had twisted a conversation we had as a class and the parents was threatening to report me to the district. While I knew her complaint had no validity or weight but I still didn't want to have to deal with it. Like I thought it wasn't a big deal, the mom had calmed down significantly and the meeting was over in 3.5 minutes.

I thought that would be the hardest part of my day but after the mom left my principal asked me to stay. She let me know one of my students probably wouldn't be in class today. This student has struggled with anxiety and depression which we believed were from bullying. Over the course of the past few weeks it's become much more serious and my student, in an attempt for help, made some sad and desperate decisions. Since day one of school this student hasn't said a word. I'm learning a lot about "selective mutism" and how to communicate with a student who won't even look me in the eyes. It's frustrating, exhausting and baffling. Without ever using their voice, my student spoke out loud and clear of the inner turmoil they've faced for a while now.

What I thought was going to be a frustrating day turned out to be a spiritually and emotionally draining day. Please pray for understanding and grace for this student, but also protection of them physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pray that I can love the hurt in my students even though it makes me want to run.

On a little lighter note...rumor spread quick that I am pregnant! My first period knew I went home nauseous and light headed so in their minds that automatically meant I was pregnant. I took 5 min to clarify that it was not true which turned into an argument about why I'm not pregnant yet. Without realizing it I opened a debate with 32 ten year olds about my fertility...yikes! Sticky territory, I quickly stopped the conversation and gave them their benchmark assessment...how's that for revenge!

I can't believe it's only Monday