Embarassed but Humbled

I'm almost too embarrassed to put this on here, but I know I have to.  This is one I want to remember:

Along with teaching 6th grade, I also teach a "homeroom" type class which are 8th graders.  These 8th graders have been in the same Advisory class since their first day of 6th grade.  They have bonded and know one another well.  I am brand new to this mix and it hasn't been easy.  I have been met with opposition, hostility, disrespect and distrust.  I have been reminded that I am not their old teacher numerous times.  It is draining and frustrating and it is the class that leaves me the most worn out.  

I have made a conscious effort to not talk poorly about my students, they are valuable and need people who will stick by them.  In my carpool, with my co-workers and even friends and family I have committed to never talk badly about them or any of my students. I would say I've done a good job, many people have commented that I don't "bad mouth" my kids.  But like everyone, I messed up.

Today, while on yard duty, I started talking with another teacher about how I'm really struggling with my kids, one of the girls I was talking about over heard.  I had no idea and wouldn't have ever known and continued to go about the year.  I had asked another teacher to talk with this particular girl about her attitude and lack of respect since this teacher had a good relationship with her.  This was in good effort but it was still bad mouthing.  

Like I said, I had no idea this girl knew anything....until...she came in to see me after school.  In one of the most gracious and undeserved ways, she approached me with kindness to tell me she had heard me.  I've never felt so bad in my life and also so proud of a student to talk with an adult.  In humility, she told me she didn't even know she was being disrespectful and honestly asked me to help her see where she had gone wrong.  Talk about a slap in the face, it tore me apart to know I had not only slipped and talked badly about her, but here she was asking for help on how to change it instead of being mad. 

Within minutes she was in tears telling me she was a terrible, disrespectful student the last two years but wanted to be different.  She wanted help seeing where she had gone wrong because she really wanted to change.  I asked her how long she had been working on this and she said since the first day of school.  In 10 days she had gone from a disrespectful, angry and snotty kid to a mature, humble and honest teen who desperately wanted to do better.  She confided that the last teacher hadn't ever wanted to listen to her but that she saw something different in me. Through a long conversation she told me she wanted to do better and make her family proud. Her two older brothers had chosen bad paths and one was deported after doing something illegal.  She wants to be the first to change. She thanked me for listening and told me she wanted my help to do better.   I couldn't speak, I didn't deserve this, I had wronged her and yet she showed forgiveness and grace by letting me in and asking for help.  I apologized for what she heard and for even considering talking to others about her.  I could feel God's presence in the room as she told me some of her broken past. In a crazy God directed twist, we both got to extend grace and love in a situation that could have been sour.

It doesn't even stop there, I invited her to come in and talk to me more often because I care so deeply for her.  I asked if there was anyone at home who she could talk to but the only brother she was close with is the one who was deported. She then said she talks to the moon and tells her worries and heartaches.  I wanted to jump in and say it's not the moon that brings her comfort but I overwhelmingly felt God telling me to wait, it wasn't the right time to start preaching.  I'm blown away by God's redemptive plan for my relationship with my student.  I'm reminded that even in the best intentions I mess up.  I'm humbled that a 13 year old broken girl can teach me about God's unfailing grace and love and remind me to be humble.  

Please pray for this girl, I wish I could give names but Jesus knows who she is.  Pray for a deeper relationship and for a way for a conversation to arise where I can share Christ with her.  Pray for her heart to feel protected and honored.  Pray for her to continue trying to make the right decisions.  Pray that I am continually reminded of the mission field I am in and the needs of my students.  Pray that I can put God first in my classroom and be receptive to his hand.  I love my sweet kids but they live in a horrible place that so desperately needs the hope of the gospel.  I'm so encouraged seeing God working in Watts and specifically in the individual lives of my students.  What an awesome, all powerful, all knowing, caring, compassionate, humble God I get to serve in Watts!