In the middle of this mess Chris left for Rwanda, he was only leaving for 17 days but I cried at even the mention of him leaving. He is my rock, he hold me when I'm hurting, speaks truth into a dark situation and is there to comfort me always. I didn't knwo how to do it without him. We went to community dinners with our close friends and then said goodbye. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. On the way home I was listening to a Christian radio station and numerous songs came on about God coming to our rescue. Nicole C. Mullin's song "When I call on Jesus" came on and I almost pulled over I was crying so hard
When I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call
I needed just that, I needed Jesus to radically intervene and save me from the mess of lies, manipulation and fear that was strangling me. I woke up the next morning and began reading through Psalms. It's amazing how deeply the words spoke to me, it was as if they written specifically for me.
Psalms 5 says
Listen to my words, LORD,
consider my lament.
2 Hear my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
3 In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait expectantly.
4 For you are not a God who is pleased with wickedness;
with you, evil people are not welcome.
5 The arrogant cannot stand
in your presence.
You hate all who do wrong;
6 you destroy those who tell lies.
The bloodthirsty and deceitful
you, LORD, detest.
7 But I, by your great love,
can come into your house;
in reverence I bow down
toward your holy temple.
8 Lead me, LORD, in your righteousness
because of my enemies—
make your way straight before me.
9 Not a word from their mouth can be trusted;
their heart is filled with malice.
Their throat is an open grave;
with their tongues they tell lies.
10 Declare them guilty, O God!
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
12 Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
And Psalm 7
Arise, LORD, in your anger;
rise up against the rage of my enemies.
Awake, my God; decree justice.
7 Let the assembled peoples gather around you,
while you sit enthroned over them on high.
8 Let the LORD judge the peoples.
Vindicate me, LORD, according to my righteousness,
according to my integrity, O Most High.
9 Bring to an end the violence of the wicked
and make the righteous secure—
you, the righteous God
who probes minds and hearts.
I hadn't ever prayed for my adversary to be punished or destroyed until I read those words. God hates all who do wrong, he hates oppressors, he hates liars, those who are deceitful and arrogant. So, the morning of October 17th I prayed that justice would come, that he would be found in his lies and his oppression of others.
When we pulled into school I immediately knew something was up when our director's car was there. I knew she was just as much afraid of him and since she had quit, he was even more angry with her. The teachers were called into an emergency meeting where we were told our principal, numerous of his family members, and another staff member were put on emergency leave pending multiple investigations. It was such an amazing, immediate answer to prayer. It was a real validation that God hears our prayers, knows our hearts and is saddened when people are oppressed.
I didn't realize it then but that was only the beginning of a very long saga which is still continuing on....more on that soon, but I'm tired, its 8:04, almost my bed time and I need sleep!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
This Is Where I Have Been
I quit blogging because I just didn't know what to say or how to say it well. Almost anything and everything that could has fallen apart. I had alluded to it previously but now I will openly say it, I really struggled with my principal, no that's to tame, I hated my principal. He mistreated his employees, threatened our jobs daily, back stabbed, gossiped and created a culture that was extremely negative.
Within the first few weeks he had called me into his office to question my religion and faith. He made an inappropriate comment about me being Mormon and then realized he could get in a lot of trouble for it. I had to sit down and tell him where I went to church, how often, why I chose this faith etc...on and on. I was angry, frustrated and realized then this would be a long year with him in the lead.
More and more continued to come out, he arranged a "social gathering" outside of school at a bar. Everyone was peer-pressured into drinking and when I did not I was made fun of for it. He and others were completely drunk and the worst of it all was that it was paid for with our money in our "celebration fund." We were also told at this gathering that those who did not show up were not on his good list. I thought it would put me on his good side but time after tiem I found myself in his office justifying myself. I began to live in constant fear of loosing my job. I have lost 12 pounds since starting school, almost daily I was waking up at 3 am with such bad anxiety I couldn't go back to sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast or I would through it up due to anxiety about going to work. It was horrible, and the worst of it was there was no one to go to for help.
During this time he also began pushing teachers to quit. He would never fire anyone but he would push hard enough that they would give up and quit or move on to another job. We had one teacher quit a week for 5 weeks and we only have a teaching staff of 17. Then, about 5 weeks ago our director of instruction (similar to a vice principal) said she was quitting as well. Most of us felt scared and unsure of the future of our school and job. He had commented numerous times that if our students didn't perform well we would be gone by Christmas.
Through it I tried to stay positive, tried to keep my head up and remember I was there for my kids. I went into this job thinking my kids would be the hardest part, I never realized how horrible a bad administrator could make it.
I felt like I was continuously praying for comfort, strength, my job...it was a hugely humbling time to know that I had no security except in the Lord. I learned the comfort of reading my Bible every morning before going to work, spending my shower time praying and even the comfort of weeping to God knowing he was the only one who could fix this situation. I learned to trust that even when others may be oppressive his love is quick and near, its bold and constant. It was still a struggle daily to know that this was the place God had called me and this was the place I was called to minister. I began looking for new jobs, talking with friends, co-workers about leaving the school but always felt like I had to stick it out for my kids. So I did, day in an day out the abuse, manipulation and fear only increased. I began to see how much of a spiritual battle it was as well and felt caught in a spiritual battle that I was helpless to do anything about
Within the first few weeks he had called me into his office to question my religion and faith. He made an inappropriate comment about me being Mormon and then realized he could get in a lot of trouble for it. I had to sit down and tell him where I went to church, how often, why I chose this faith etc...on and on. I was angry, frustrated and realized then this would be a long year with him in the lead.
More and more continued to come out, he arranged a "social gathering" outside of school at a bar. Everyone was peer-pressured into drinking and when I did not I was made fun of for it. He and others were completely drunk and the worst of it all was that it was paid for with our money in our "celebration fund." We were also told at this gathering that those who did not show up were not on his good list. I thought it would put me on his good side but time after tiem I found myself in his office justifying myself. I began to live in constant fear of loosing my job. I have lost 12 pounds since starting school, almost daily I was waking up at 3 am with such bad anxiety I couldn't go back to sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast or I would through it up due to anxiety about going to work. It was horrible, and the worst of it was there was no one to go to for help.
During this time he also began pushing teachers to quit. He would never fire anyone but he would push hard enough that they would give up and quit or move on to another job. We had one teacher quit a week for 5 weeks and we only have a teaching staff of 17. Then, about 5 weeks ago our director of instruction (similar to a vice principal) said she was quitting as well. Most of us felt scared and unsure of the future of our school and job. He had commented numerous times that if our students didn't perform well we would be gone by Christmas.
Through it I tried to stay positive, tried to keep my head up and remember I was there for my kids. I went into this job thinking my kids would be the hardest part, I never realized how horrible a bad administrator could make it.
I felt like I was continuously praying for comfort, strength, my job...it was a hugely humbling time to know that I had no security except in the Lord. I learned the comfort of reading my Bible every morning before going to work, spending my shower time praying and even the comfort of weeping to God knowing he was the only one who could fix this situation. I learned to trust that even when others may be oppressive his love is quick and near, its bold and constant. It was still a struggle daily to know that this was the place God had called me and this was the place I was called to minister. I began looking for new jobs, talking with friends, co-workers about leaving the school but always felt like I had to stick it out for my kids. So I did, day in an day out the abuse, manipulation and fear only increased. I began to see how much of a spiritual battle it was as well and felt caught in a spiritual battle that I was helpless to do anything about
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm a Heartbreaker
I'm also engaged!! This past Saturday Chris proposed with the help of some of our friends. We had a great weekend of celebrating and loving life and it was back to reality Monday morning.
Yesterday we had a professional development day so I didn't see my kids. I also hadn't told them before that I was even dating someone so imagine their shock when I tell them I'm engaged. Most cheered and clapped, many were super excited but not one. I have a group of boys who have a crush and would spend every waking hour with me if I let them. One of them in particular asks me everyday to have lunch with him. Today was also his birthday. He came into class, I told him happy birthday and asked if he was doing anything fun. I then made my big announcement, when others were cheering and clapping, he sat with his arms folded and a scowl on his face. I knew he wouldn't be delighted but I didn't think he would actually be mad. As he was leaving I told him happy birthday again and he said it is the worst birthday he had ever had. He didn't even come back to have lunch with me. He then went to another class where the teacher noticed he was unhappy. When she asked him what was going on he said "Did you hear about Ms. DeForest?" Wow, I didn't know I could have that affect on him. I'm hoping tomorrow he is back to himself, I actually enjoy my lunch partner. I do find it comical though that he thought there was ever a chance. Sweet boy, Jr. High is such an awkward age.
Last week I was having a lot of trouble with a student who can be sassy but isn't generally rude. She had a huge attitude one day so I asked her mom to come in. She left pretty mad at me but the next day apologized for her behavior. Today when I showed up to school she handed me an envelope with a note inside. It said:
Dear Ms. DeForest
I'm sorry for being so mean and rude to you. I promise to be on my best behavior in clas. I hop you have the heart to forgive me.
I almost forgot to tell you I made some flashcards for my vocabulary words. I also need some help on my homework. It's the last questions on the homework.
Love, Student's Name
P.S: Some people are pretty some people are not, but I think your pretty.
Glad to see we have made a turn around...the true test will be tomorrow when I actually have her in class. She did come up to me later though to show me the flashcards she had made. Too bad we already took the test on those words and she won't see that material again until her state test in 8th grade...
Yesterday we had a professional development day so I didn't see my kids. I also hadn't told them before that I was even dating someone so imagine their shock when I tell them I'm engaged. Most cheered and clapped, many were super excited but not one. I have a group of boys who have a crush and would spend every waking hour with me if I let them. One of them in particular asks me everyday to have lunch with him. Today was also his birthday. He came into class, I told him happy birthday and asked if he was doing anything fun. I then made my big announcement, when others were cheering and clapping, he sat with his arms folded and a scowl on his face. I knew he wouldn't be delighted but I didn't think he would actually be mad. As he was leaving I told him happy birthday again and he said it is the worst birthday he had ever had. He didn't even come back to have lunch with me. He then went to another class where the teacher noticed he was unhappy. When she asked him what was going on he said "Did you hear about Ms. DeForest?" Wow, I didn't know I could have that affect on him. I'm hoping tomorrow he is back to himself, I actually enjoy my lunch partner. I do find it comical though that he thought there was ever a chance. Sweet boy, Jr. High is such an awkward age.
Last week I was having a lot of trouble with a student who can be sassy but isn't generally rude. She had a huge attitude one day so I asked her mom to come in. She left pretty mad at me but the next day apologized for her behavior. Today when I showed up to school she handed me an envelope with a note inside. It said:
Dear Ms. DeForest
I'm sorry for being so mean and rude to you. I promise to be on my best behavior in clas. I hop you have the heart to forgive me.
I almost forgot to tell you I made some flashcards for my vocabulary words. I also need some help on my homework. It's the last questions on the homework.
Love, Student's Name
P.S: Some people are pretty some people are not, but I think your pretty.
Glad to see we have made a turn around...the true test will be tomorrow when I actually have her in class. She did come up to me later though to show me the flashcards she had made. Too bad we already took the test on those words and she won't see that material again until her state test in 8th grade...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
More student stories
One of my 8th grade students is a remarkable soccer player. He might drop out of school to play soccer in Mexico but he has assured me he will continue to get an education. I pray that really is true. We were talking about where he practiced and how often. He told me he practices in Long Beach which I assumed was then a long drive. He replied “No, Miss, I live in Watts.” I chuckled thinking to myself “ I know you live in Watts…I know all about this city I work in.”
Another of my 6th grade students who is in after school tutoring suddenly started sobbing. I didn’t know what was wrong and it happened so suddenly I was confused. I let her go outside and write down what was upsetting her. I got this note back:
“I was going to tell you that everyday when I get after school I have to ride the bus but first I call my mom and tell her that I got on the bus and I’m almost getting there were I always have to stop on and she will be right there waiting for me and when I get off she will be right there waiting for me but today I was calling her when I got out of class but she won’t answer me and I don’t know where to get out.”
I was able to get her to calm down a little and she was able to tell me that it takes her over an hour to get home on the bus. It is often dark when she gets home and it is very scary for her. She has to do this alone and it is an incredibly lonely and scary thing for her. My heart broke for her, I wanted to take her home myself but it’s against the law. It killed me to know she does this almost daily and there isn’t an option for her. I am frustrated almost daily realizing the difficulties my students face that I never could have fathomed at 11 yrs old.
And lastly, we are focusing on “no bullying” the next few weeks. A student told our principal that he was considering committing suicide from the effects of being bullied on school grounds. I hate how cruel kids can be on top of the struggles of living in an inner-city community. This past Friday a student at a nearby high school got into a fight with her boyfriend. He attempted to strangle her and then stabbed her to death. My students all heard about it and addressing it was something I was unsure of. How do I walk through the difficult things with my kids while trying be transparent and honest. It was sticky but we did it. I hate this life that they know, I want to just shove it all away, this community so needs Jesus, nothing else can save them from the horrors they see and hear about daily.
Frustrated....
It’s been a while…
I haven’t known how to write this well since its been a pretty difficult past few weeks. I wish I could say everything is smooth sailing but unfortunately it seems every time I turn around there is another issue with politics at my school. A teacher quit last Friday and emailed her letter of resignation to the staff. Many of the issues she brought up are definitely true but there is a struggle between fighting the injustice that’s happening to the teachers and knowing I need a job. It’s the most frustrating position I have ever been in. I’m so tired of not being able to focus solely on the kids because of the “out to get you” attitude I feel daily. So, in two weeks we have had one teacher forced out and another quit.
Last Friday I went home early because I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t walk through the hallways of school without stopping to keep myself from passing out. It was scary but I didn’t feel like I could leave my class with a sub since we have benchmarks (our charter organization’s form of a standardized test to check progress) this week. Numerous other teachers commented it is ridiculous that I would be that sick and still feel the pressure to be here. We have been told numerous times that if we do not perform well our job could be on the line. This is one of the most caustic situations I have ever been in. I love my students, I thrive when I am in the classroom with them but as soon as I leave my 4 walls I start to panic.
I’ve lost 7 pounds since starting working 8 weeks ago…I now regularly wake up at about 3:45 with a horrible stomach ache from feeling anxious about coming to work. This wasn’t something I wanted to blog about since it’s not something I want to remember but it consumes my life at this point.
I’m desperately trying to find the balance between working myself to death and knowing boundaries while the fear of losing my job is constantly in my head.
Today we had a staff meeting where things were made a little bit better. I feel a little more content with the job situation but it definitely feels like its going to be a long difficult road this year.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
We've Got a Bug Problem
Yep, you read right, our school has a bug problem. Not we have a few cockroaches running around ora few crickets. We have had 2 teachers and a few kids bit by a mysterious bug. Our office manager has been in the hospital for 5 days and another teacher has been in and out all week. And yes, we are still in school...why? Cuz we have testing next week.
Our health insurace doesn't kick in till Saturday but this bug bite becomes serious within 24-48 hrs. And, our students rarely have health insurance or access to quality Drs. Many of us are extremely frustrated and numerous people have commented that they have had it. Good to know I'm not the only one extremely frustrated here...
And on teacher "left" last week. It's unclear about the circumstances but most of the feelings are he was either fired or pushed out. I also found out our charter organization is known for being "fire happy." Instead of working with teachers our organization feels it's easier to just fire them. I'm at my breaking point and feeling like this is all too much. If I didn't adore my kids I couldn't do this. It's such a joy to go into them every day but the rediculousness of the politics needs to stop.
If you can't tell I'm exhausted
On a better note, I spent some time today praying over my kids as they took a test. It's amazing how great of students I have, they are awesome, little, fun and still innocent. With almost every kid I prayed they wouldn't loose their childlikeness or grow up too fast. I love that they are still little and ignorant. I wish I could protect them from the world they are in but I know it will slowly get to them and it makes me so sad.
Sorry this post is kinda down, especially after not posting for a while but I'm just tired...really really tired
Our health insurace doesn't kick in till Saturday but this bug bite becomes serious within 24-48 hrs. And, our students rarely have health insurance or access to quality Drs. Many of us are extremely frustrated and numerous people have commented that they have had it. Good to know I'm not the only one extremely frustrated here...
And on teacher "left" last week. It's unclear about the circumstances but most of the feelings are he was either fired or pushed out. I also found out our charter organization is known for being "fire happy." Instead of working with teachers our organization feels it's easier to just fire them. I'm at my breaking point and feeling like this is all too much. If I didn't adore my kids I couldn't do this. It's such a joy to go into them every day but the rediculousness of the politics needs to stop.
If you can't tell I'm exhausted
On a better note, I spent some time today praying over my kids as they took a test. It's amazing how great of students I have, they are awesome, little, fun and still innocent. With almost every kid I prayed they wouldn't loose their childlikeness or grow up too fast. I love that they are still little and ignorant. I wish I could protect them from the world they are in but I know it will slowly get to them and it makes me so sad.
Sorry this post is kinda down, especially after not posting for a while but I'm just tired...really really tired
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Student Work
Here are some pictures of the fun projects we have done!
While learning about early humans, we studied cave drawings and each kid made their own using what they had learned.
I have two boards in the hallway to post my kids amazing work. Here is one filled with all the kids who earned a 100% on their vocabulary test!
The first week we also made family crests as a way for them to be introduced to history. They had to pick colors and objects that represented their families. A few kids were even willing to present and they really put their hearts into it!
This girl talked about how the rose represented her family and how every time someone died they would put out a red rose. She commented that they had put out roses constantly, to her it seemed there was always a rose out because so many people have died in her life.
All of them did a really great job on this assignment. It was one of my favorite ways to open up the class and get to know a little bit about their stories.
While learning about early humans, we studied cave drawings and each kid made their own using what they had learned.
I have two boards in the hallway to post my kids amazing work. Here is one filled with all the kids who earned a 100% on their vocabulary test!
All of them did a really great job on this assignment. It was one of my favorite ways to open up the class and get to know a little bit about their stories.
And Finally, Some Pictures~
I'm excited to finally be able to show some pictures! It was weird setting up a classroom for middle schoolers, I had always dreamed about my cute 1st or 2nd grade classroom. But I made do with what I had!
This is the front of my class, It slowly grew more and more colorful as I put up word wall words and added a few things but this is basically what it looks like.
The school is very strict on our "white board configuration. Every board and subject has to look like this, but since I teach 2 subjects mine is a little more confusing.
My desk and the college corner. It's in the front of the room also but I've realized I never sit at my desk :( It just holds my things until the end of the day.
This is my view most of the day. Imagine all those seats filled, there's a lot of them!
My ancient civilizations posters and a place for current events. Each week students are required to do a current event.
Those charts are now full of kids names and the standards they either have or have not mastered.
My history word wall which now has about 25 words on it since we're done with Unit 1. After each unit I add the words from the small word wall to this one.
And my English standards and posters. Those will be filled up on Monday since they have now taken their first English Unit test.
Hope that gives you a glimpse of what I see every day. I'll keep posting pictures to show how much it changes in a year!
Hope that gives you a glimpse of what I see every day. I'll keep posting pictures to show how much it changes in a year!
Friday, September 16, 2011
And Back to Stories About my Kids
Enough with all the political stuff...here's some more fun/sad stories from today.
I have one student who the first day I realized was very hyper, he can't focus, loves to talk and is really a sweet kid. I switched his seat immediately to the front of the room and since then he and I have a running joke about me needing to constantly keep an eye on him. We've developed a silly fun relationship and it's working, he got a great grade on his test!! Today I was teaching about figurative language and while talking about hyperbole's I mentioned that one hyperbole was the phrase, "it's raining cats and dogs." I could see him thinking about something but let him mull it over. I continued teaching and pointed out that the phrase is figurative language because it never literally rains cats and dogs. To which he responds, "yeah, because there would be a ton of dead dogs." At first I wondered why he had not said dead cats as well and realized the entire time he had been picturing cats and dogs falling from the sky but since cat's always land on their feet, in his mind they would be ok. I died laughing and had to completely stop my lesson. He realized I had caught on and we were rolling with laughter. No one else understood but we sure thought it was funny.
I also have a little posse of boys who follow me everywhere, if you know me you know that I love boys. Girls have always been difficult for me and my favorite students are always rowdy, rambunctious boys. They're the best! I'm being careful not to allow them to develop a crush and I always leave a door open and am never alone with them but they make me so happy. The other day one said, "Ms. DeForest, so you got like a boyfriend." "I'm sorry (student) but that is none of your business." He replied with, "well do you got like a husband or anything?" Again...none of your business. He informed me he was just asking so I replied, "Why? Do you have an older brother you're trying to set me up with?" All 5 boys died laughing, it was a great moment, its these moments of pure joy that keep me going!
We are also reading the book Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry which is set in the 1930's and it depicts in great detail the racial tension and racism of the time. After talking through some difficult things one student in the back raised his hand and said really hesitantly, " Ms. DeForest, do people who....uh....you know...look like.... like you, I mean people who," I interrupted to say people who are white. He responds, "yeah, do white people not like...uh, you know, uh, people like, like me" Aka...Hispanics. Whenever students bring this up I give it to them straight, I don't think it is beneficial to hide it from them but I do try to protect them in my explanation. I told him that many people do not like Hispanics, I gave him some examples and then told him about how I have people close to me who dislike Hispanics as well. I really felt the need to open up and tell him how difficult it is for me to hear people talk about Hispanics poorly especially when my entire life is devoted to loving them. It was a huge moment for my class, no one was talking, no one interrupted. I'm learning that showing part of myself and letting them in helps them to feel connected and valued.
And now for a difficult one...
A girl in 8th grade wrote on one of her tests (her teacher is one of the people I carpool with so she shared this with me) about how she identified with a character in their story. The question asked if she had ever faced similar difficulty to the character (sorry I have no idea what the story was). She responded with "I think it's the same but I have seen difficulty when my mom struggles to make enough money to feed us. It has been especially hard since my baby sister has been born. It hurts me and is very hard to listen to her cry because she is hungry but we have nothing to give her because none of us have food."
And lastly we had 4 or 5 kids expelled today for alcohol on campus. One student brought alcohol to school, sold it to another student and that student passed it around to others. We're talking heavy alcohol...When I was 12 or 13 I barely knew what alcohol was and I had dinner every night on the table. I love my sister to death and it would have killed me to watch her cry in hunger. This is 25 miles from my house, not a foreign country. It hurts to know how much my kids suffer.
I have one student who the first day I realized was very hyper, he can't focus, loves to talk and is really a sweet kid. I switched his seat immediately to the front of the room and since then he and I have a running joke about me needing to constantly keep an eye on him. We've developed a silly fun relationship and it's working, he got a great grade on his test!! Today I was teaching about figurative language and while talking about hyperbole's I mentioned that one hyperbole was the phrase, "it's raining cats and dogs." I could see him thinking about something but let him mull it over. I continued teaching and pointed out that the phrase is figurative language because it never literally rains cats and dogs. To which he responds, "yeah, because there would be a ton of dead dogs." At first I wondered why he had not said dead cats as well and realized the entire time he had been picturing cats and dogs falling from the sky but since cat's always land on their feet, in his mind they would be ok. I died laughing and had to completely stop my lesson. He realized I had caught on and we were rolling with laughter. No one else understood but we sure thought it was funny.
I also have a little posse of boys who follow me everywhere, if you know me you know that I love boys. Girls have always been difficult for me and my favorite students are always rowdy, rambunctious boys. They're the best! I'm being careful not to allow them to develop a crush and I always leave a door open and am never alone with them but they make me so happy. The other day one said, "Ms. DeForest, so you got like a boyfriend." "I'm sorry (student) but that is none of your business." He replied with, "well do you got like a husband or anything?" Again...none of your business. He informed me he was just asking so I replied, "Why? Do you have an older brother you're trying to set me up with?" All 5 boys died laughing, it was a great moment, its these moments of pure joy that keep me going!
We are also reading the book Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry which is set in the 1930's and it depicts in great detail the racial tension and racism of the time. After talking through some difficult things one student in the back raised his hand and said really hesitantly, " Ms. DeForest, do people who....uh....you know...look like.... like you, I mean people who," I interrupted to say people who are white. He responds, "yeah, do white people not like...uh, you know, uh, people like, like me" Aka...Hispanics. Whenever students bring this up I give it to them straight, I don't think it is beneficial to hide it from them but I do try to protect them in my explanation. I told him that many people do not like Hispanics, I gave him some examples and then told him about how I have people close to me who dislike Hispanics as well. I really felt the need to open up and tell him how difficult it is for me to hear people talk about Hispanics poorly especially when my entire life is devoted to loving them. It was a huge moment for my class, no one was talking, no one interrupted. I'm learning that showing part of myself and letting them in helps them to feel connected and valued.
And now for a difficult one...
A girl in 8th grade wrote on one of her tests (her teacher is one of the people I carpool with so she shared this with me) about how she identified with a character in their story. The question asked if she had ever faced similar difficulty to the character (sorry I have no idea what the story was). She responded with "I think it's the same but I have seen difficulty when my mom struggles to make enough money to feed us. It has been especially hard since my baby sister has been born. It hurts me and is very hard to listen to her cry because she is hungry but we have nothing to give her because none of us have food."
And lastly we had 4 or 5 kids expelled today for alcohol on campus. One student brought alcohol to school, sold it to another student and that student passed it around to others. We're talking heavy alcohol...When I was 12 or 13 I barely knew what alcohol was and I had dinner every night on the table. I love my sister to death and it would have killed me to watch her cry in hunger. This is 25 miles from my house, not a foreign country. It hurts to know how much my kids suffer.
Resolution...kinda
So the meeting went better than I expected, after a little beating around the bush we finally got down to the nitty gritty. He eventually said, "well I'm glad we've talked everything through." I didn't want to walk out of the conversation feeling like I didn't have a voice so I continued and brought up multiple issues that I have seen. It was interesting to realize he didn't understand many of the issues. This I'm sure is complicated to read, you'd need to back story but like I said, this just isn't the place.
Last night I couldn't fall asleep and God constantly brought me back to that verse. The few lines that stuck out most were "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all." Knowing I was going into a converstation with a lot of conflict gentleness was definately needed. I am not gentle, my name actually means strong and mighty...this whole gentleness thing is something I'm not good at. Over and over I kept repeating those verses. The entire passage has spoken to me on many occasions, it is an incredible thing to see God's word and truth be relevant in so many areas.
Also, as I was praying through things last night God showed me that much of this is spiritual warfare. I don't show up to work because I want a paycheck, I do it because I wholly believe this is where I am called to be, this is my mission field. I have been loving it and seeing God work so faithfully and intricately and part of this was the devil invading that. I also began to realize that I work in a fallen world, I am and work with fallen people, it won't be perfect and can't be perfect. It doesn't make it any easier but it's helpful to be reminded that this isn't how it was intended to be.
I left today feeling better about where I am at but also realizing that this is part of working at this school. There are adjustments I will have to make in myself, like gentleness :) in order to make this work. I want nothing more than to bring glory to God in this school, It's scary to say it but I'll do what it takes
Last night I couldn't fall asleep and God constantly brought me back to that verse. The few lines that stuck out most were "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all." Knowing I was going into a converstation with a lot of conflict gentleness was definately needed. I am not gentle, my name actually means strong and mighty...this whole gentleness thing is something I'm not good at. Over and over I kept repeating those verses. The entire passage has spoken to me on many occasions, it is an incredible thing to see God's word and truth be relevant in so many areas.
Also, as I was praying through things last night God showed me that much of this is spiritual warfare. I don't show up to work because I want a paycheck, I do it because I wholly believe this is where I am called to be, this is my mission field. I have been loving it and seeing God work so faithfully and intricately and part of this was the devil invading that. I also began to realize that I work in a fallen world, I am and work with fallen people, it won't be perfect and can't be perfect. It doesn't make it any easier but it's helpful to be reminded that this isn't how it was intended to be.
I left today feeling better about where I am at but also realizing that this is part of working at this school. There are adjustments I will have to make in myself, like gentleness :) in order to make this work. I want nothing more than to bring glory to God in this school, It's scary to say it but I'll do what it takes
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Emptied and Exhausted
Today, the situation I mentioned earlier only got worse. I have a meeting with the principal in the morning over issues that shouldn't be there. I'm definately feeling the spiritual struggle of doing what I know God wants but being filled with doubt at the same time.
Today I have thought...
I want to quit,
This isn't where I should be
This is never going to work
Should I even be a teacher?
Am I making a difference?
Am I dishonoring God in this position?
How much longer can I do this?
I'm at the end, I don't know how much more I can give and how much more lies I can take. I'm tired of living in a world and practicing a profession that is so filled with guilt, lies, betrayal. I want to be a teacher who deeply loves kids and doesn't worry about the politics of it all.
I'm unable to sleep knowing this will be a long night in anticipation for tomorrow and clinging to Jesus, hoping he guides my meeting tomorrow. And then I'm gently reminded of the verse God gave me on the first day of school.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9
God put this on my verse the first day of school as I was anxious for a new year, and today in one of the most desperate places I've been I'm reminded to rejoice always. I love that he repeats with "I will say it again," like he's saying don't miss this, it's important.
I am clinging to what is right, what is noble, what is true, what is pure...lovely...admirable and praying the peace of God is in me. I don't know where else to turn, I don't know what else to do.
Jesus be before me, be in me and be with me as I face tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Week 5!
Really, has it already been 5 weeks. It's flown by, today was the first day though that I felt semi normal. Yesterday I went grocery shopping on a weekday and today I managed to get in my first run since school started.
Monday I started BTSA...the credentialing program that will give me my clear credential. I currently have a preliminary credential. To "clear" my preliminary credential I have to complete a 2 yr program. Today I met my supervisor, she is amazing and by law she can't report anything to my principal. She is a huge support not only as far as teaching but emotionally. She has 25 yrs of experience and is like an old aunt helping me through this sticky process. I'm super excited to work with her which is a great thing because she will be in my class 2-3 times a week!
I would love prayer on a difficult situation at work. Because this is a public place I don't feel its the best place to share in detail but the longer I'm in this school the more things I struggle with. It's making it difficult to want to go to work. I sometimes dread going until one of my kids pops in...if it wasn't for them I don't know how long I could do this...all aspects of teaching are hard.
On a happier note, I kept 6 students in from their break to make up homework. One girl said "You're becoming one of my favorite teachers!" to which I replied, "only becoming, I'm everyone's favorite." I like to help them remember how great I am, does wonders for my ego. I was completely joking but rest chimed in on how they loved my class and loved that I was "real" with them. After struggling for the past few weeks its such a good reminder to ground myself in why I'm there...to be the favorite...ok kidding, I love my kids and I would do just about anything for them.
Sorry there aren't a ton of fun/cute or riveting stories, part of being a teacher is doing the mundane day to day stuff. I'm hoping to get my camera cord this weekend so I can finally post pictures. I'd love prayers for this awkward situation and with dealing with a student who has been a huge challenge these last few days. It's a huge comfort to know I'm covered in prayer and God is standing with me in this.
Monday I started BTSA...the credentialing program that will give me my clear credential. I currently have a preliminary credential. To "clear" my preliminary credential I have to complete a 2 yr program. Today I met my supervisor, she is amazing and by law she can't report anything to my principal. She is a huge support not only as far as teaching but emotionally. She has 25 yrs of experience and is like an old aunt helping me through this sticky process. I'm super excited to work with her which is a great thing because she will be in my class 2-3 times a week!
I would love prayer on a difficult situation at work. Because this is a public place I don't feel its the best place to share in detail but the longer I'm in this school the more things I struggle with. It's making it difficult to want to go to work. I sometimes dread going until one of my kids pops in...if it wasn't for them I don't know how long I could do this...all aspects of teaching are hard.
On a happier note, I kept 6 students in from their break to make up homework. One girl said "You're becoming one of my favorite teachers!" to which I replied, "only becoming, I'm everyone's favorite." I like to help them remember how great I am, does wonders for my ego. I was completely joking but rest chimed in on how they loved my class and loved that I was "real" with them. After struggling for the past few weeks its such a good reminder to ground myself in why I'm there...to be the favorite...ok kidding, I love my kids and I would do just about anything for them.
Sorry there aren't a ton of fun/cute or riveting stories, part of being a teacher is doing the mundane day to day stuff. I'm hoping to get my camera cord this weekend so I can finally post pictures. I'd love prayers for this awkward situation and with dealing with a student who has been a huge challenge these last few days. It's a huge comfort to know I'm covered in prayer and God is standing with me in this.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Update On My Student and Other Fun Stuff
That same sweet girl I had the awesome talk with last week came to me again (I hate that I can't write her name here). We were just having a chat and she brought up that she works. At first I honestly didn't believe her, she is 13 but after talking a little longer I realized it was true. On Wednesday, when we get out earlier, she goes to work and she works all day Sat and Sun. She does what she needs to to help her family. At thirteen I was liking Backstreet boys and carving mine and my crush's initials into my windowsill. I wasn't going to work to help pay bills. Such a different life my kids lead. I wish I could adopt them all and give them some innocence back.
I gave my first test today, I still haven't graded them yet but I'm excited to see how they did. I gave a vocabulary test yesterday and I had over 35 kids get a 100% Yay!! I'm so proud of them!
While they were taking the test today I spent a few minutes praying for each of them. I prayed over my classroom when I was setting it up but it's so different now that I know names, faces and some of their stories. Numerous times I thanked Jesus for how sweet and tender my kids are, for how they show compassion and care for one another. I found myself repeating over and over again that I wanted God help them to keep their sweet spirits. What a mighty Kingdom I am apart of and what mighty things my kids could do with their lives. It's my biggest prayer that they could come along side me in this beautiful faith.
On a similar note, my own 6th grade teacher used to give us 2 minutes before a test to be silent. I knew she was a Christian but she never pushed anything on us. She posed it as a time to collect and prepare ourselves for the test. I remember using that as a quick prayer time. While I was driving to work this morning I remembered it (coincidence huh? love the subtle ways God helps me out in my classroom). Before each period began their test I had them put their heads down on their desk. I told them they could use the 2 minutes to pray, to calm themselves and take deep breaths or to quietly motivate themselves. Not a single student made a peep (which is surprising because that never happens). Numerous kids folded their hands and began praying. Tears of joy filled my eyes as I realized what a great place I get to teach. I adore that my kids feel comfortable praying in my class. It may sound silly but I almost always cry when I realize the vastness of Christ's Kingdom. I love that It spreads across generations, racial or socio-economic lines. Jesus loves all and I loved watching that be displayed in my classroom.
I would love you to pray that God would continually "remind" me of areas I can blatantly bring Him in. I would also love prayer for my sweet student who has to work to help support the family. I would love nothing more than to watch her be a kid and get to bask in the joy of childhood. Pray also that this love and excitement for my job would continue all year long.
I gave my first test today, I still haven't graded them yet but I'm excited to see how they did. I gave a vocabulary test yesterday and I had over 35 kids get a 100% Yay!! I'm so proud of them!
While they were taking the test today I spent a few minutes praying for each of them. I prayed over my classroom when I was setting it up but it's so different now that I know names, faces and some of their stories. Numerous times I thanked Jesus for how sweet and tender my kids are, for how they show compassion and care for one another. I found myself repeating over and over again that I wanted God help them to keep their sweet spirits. What a mighty Kingdom I am apart of and what mighty things my kids could do with their lives. It's my biggest prayer that they could come along side me in this beautiful faith.
On a similar note, my own 6th grade teacher used to give us 2 minutes before a test to be silent. I knew she was a Christian but she never pushed anything on us. She posed it as a time to collect and prepare ourselves for the test. I remember using that as a quick prayer time. While I was driving to work this morning I remembered it (coincidence huh? love the subtle ways God helps me out in my classroom). Before each period began their test I had them put their heads down on their desk. I told them they could use the 2 minutes to pray, to calm themselves and take deep breaths or to quietly motivate themselves. Not a single student made a peep (which is surprising because that never happens). Numerous kids folded their hands and began praying. Tears of joy filled my eyes as I realized what a great place I get to teach. I adore that my kids feel comfortable praying in my class. It may sound silly but I almost always cry when I realize the vastness of Christ's Kingdom. I love that It spreads across generations, racial or socio-economic lines. Jesus loves all and I loved watching that be displayed in my classroom.
I would love you to pray that God would continually "remind" me of areas I can blatantly bring Him in. I would also love prayer for my sweet student who has to work to help support the family. I would love nothing more than to watch her be a kid and get to bask in the joy of childhood. Pray also that this love and excitement for my job would continue all year long.
Did I mention I LOVE my job?
I have the greatest job, seriously, it's amazing. Another teacher assigned her kids to write a letter to their favorite teacher. I've been feeling really sick all week so imagine my surprise and delight to be handed 4 letters all about why kids love my class. Here's what they said (spelling/grammar errors included):
Dear Ms. Deforest,
The weekends are almost here. You tought me inglish and history. Your aswome, cool, and funny at the same time. You make learning fun and cool lots of writing and Homework. You are my big time favorite teacher.
Sincerely your
student, ________________(Signed male student's name)
September 1, 2011
Dear Ms. Deforest,
I want to thank you because you explain everything clearly. I also want to tahnk you because you are really helping me to get better at World History and English. I enjoy both classes but I like World History better. I like it better because it really camptures my attenttion. I'm not say English is boring I am just saying that I alwaysd liked history better. I also think that you are going to help me do well on the CST. (State standardized test in May). I think this because I can see myself improve in World History and English. I know I won't be able to repay you but at least I can do is pay attention and listen.
Sincerly,
___________________(Signed male student's name)
9-1-11
Dear Ms. Deforest,
So far this year I have really liked your class. Also I am looking forward to learn all about english. I am also looking forward to history. Also thank you for all those points you give me in history and english (my ridiculous drawings, exaggerated anecdotes etc.) Theya re going to come in handy today!! (Gave my first test) A am writing this letter because you are such a good teacher ! :)
Sincerly,
________________________(Signed male student's name)
Dear Ms. DeForest (first to spell my name right!)
thankyou for being so nice to me. I love your class it fun. Thankyou for helping me in my quiz and Test. Sometimes I get A or B and sometimes C I will work hard to have good greads. Thankyou for help ous you are good teacher.
From,
____________________________ (signed female student's name)
Friday, August 26, 2011
Embarassed but Humbled
I'm almost too embarrassed to put this on here, but I know I have to. This is one I want to remember:
Along with teaching 6th grade, I also teach a "homeroom" type class which are 8th graders. These 8th graders have been in the same Advisory class since their first day of 6th grade. They have bonded and know one another well. I am brand new to this mix and it hasn't been easy. I have been met with opposition, hostility, disrespect and distrust. I have been reminded that I am not their old teacher numerous times. It is draining and frustrating and it is the class that leaves me the most worn out.
I have made a conscious effort to not talk poorly about my students, they are valuable and need people who will stick by them. In my carpool, with my co-workers and even friends and family I have committed to never talk badly about them or any of my students. I would say I've done a good job, many people have commented that I don't "bad mouth" my kids. But like everyone, I messed up.
Today, while on yard duty, I started talking with another teacher about how I'm really struggling with my kids, one of the girls I was talking about over heard. I had no idea and wouldn't have ever known and continued to go about the year. I had asked another teacher to talk with this particular girl about her attitude and lack of respect since this teacher had a good relationship with her. This was in good effort but it was still bad mouthing.
Like I said, I had no idea this girl knew anything....until...she came in to see me after school. In one of the most gracious and undeserved ways, she approached me with kindness to tell me she had heard me. I've never felt so bad in my life and also so proud of a student to talk with an adult. In humility, she told me she didn't even know she was being disrespectful and honestly asked me to help her see where she had gone wrong. Talk about a slap in the face, it tore me apart to know I had not only slipped and talked badly about her, but here she was asking for help on how to change it instead of being mad.
Within minutes she was in tears telling me she was a terrible, disrespectful student the last two years but wanted to be different. She wanted help seeing where she had gone wrong because she really wanted to change. I asked her how long she had been working on this and she said since the first day of school. In 10 days she had gone from a disrespectful, angry and snotty kid to a mature, humble and honest teen who desperately wanted to do better. She confided that the last teacher hadn't ever wanted to listen to her but that she saw something different in me. Through a long conversation she told me she wanted to do better and make her family proud. Her two older brothers had chosen bad paths and one was deported after doing something illegal. She wants to be the first to change. She thanked me for listening and told me she wanted my help to do better. I couldn't speak, I didn't deserve this, I had wronged her and yet she showed forgiveness and grace by letting me in and asking for help. I apologized for what she heard and for even considering talking to others about her. I could feel God's presence in the room as she told me some of her broken past. In a crazy God directed twist, we both got to extend grace and love in a situation that could have been sour.
It doesn't even stop there, I invited her to come in and talk to me more often because I care so deeply for her. I asked if there was anyone at home who she could talk to but the only brother she was close with is the one who was deported. She then said she talks to the moon and tells her worries and heartaches. I wanted to jump in and say it's not the moon that brings her comfort but I overwhelmingly felt God telling me to wait, it wasn't the right time to start preaching. I'm blown away by God's redemptive plan for my relationship with my student. I'm reminded that even in the best intentions I mess up. I'm humbled that a 13 year old broken girl can teach me about God's unfailing grace and love and remind me to be humble.
Please pray for this girl, I wish I could give names but Jesus knows who she is. Pray for a deeper relationship and for a way for a conversation to arise where I can share Christ with her. Pray for her heart to feel protected and honored. Pray for her to continue trying to make the right decisions. Pray that I am continually reminded of the mission field I am in and the needs of my students. Pray that I can put God first in my classroom and be receptive to his hand. I love my sweet kids but they live in a horrible place that so desperately needs the hope of the gospel. I'm so encouraged seeing God working in Watts and specifically in the individual lives of my students. What an awesome, all powerful, all knowing, caring, compassionate, humble God I get to serve in Watts!
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